What Makes Us Tick—and What Holds Us Back

​​​As far back as I can remember, I’ve been captivated by what drives people to feel, think, and behave the way they do. My curiosity runs deep in understanding that inner dialogue—the emotions, thoughts, and beliefs swirling within—and especially in discovering the influences that have shaped these mental models, sometimes empowering, sometimes limiting us. This curiosity about what makes people tick, what motivates or inspires them, has always guided me, but also what keeps us stuck, repeating the same patterns, cycling through the same choices that lead to the same disappointments. 

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​Many of us, myself included, can feel caught in the loop of hoping for something different while acting in ways that keep producing the same results. So, what holds us back from breaking free of these cycles? I think of the times I’ve found myself returning to that familiar place, disappointed again, as I’d unconsciously chosen what was comfortable, predictable—yet ultimately unsatisfying. 

For many, it takes reaching a breaking point, that inflection point where the pain of staying the same outweighs the discomfort of change. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic event; it might be an accumulation of fatigue, frustration, or even an underlying impatience with the way things are. There comes a moment when the sense of feeling “stuck” becomes intolerable, and the discomfort of change finally feels worth it.
 
These are the many reasons I was a therapist and now am a coach in the leadership development space.  The fascination with helping people develop, grow, and mature have captivated me for many decades. Humans are multi-layered, complex, and also at the same time basic beings. Both as a therapist and coach, I observe these essential truths about our humanness:

1. Humans are fundamentally relational beings. It’s within healthy relationships that we can grow and evolve into our fullest selves, reaching our potential. We’re wired for connection, and we need safe, supportive relationships to move us toward change. Relationships are mirror to us of when we are our best selves and when we’re not.
2. We are complex, multidimensional beings. We are physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual creatures, and it’s not an either/or proposition. The tension of “both/and” is something we struggle to hold. We crave simplicity, so we lean toward polarities—only joy, only sorrow, only positivity, or only negativity. But in denying this complexity, we often block parts of ourselves and limit our potential for healing and growth.
3. We each carry the potential to be both hero and villain. We all have within us the capacity for kindness and cruelty, bravery and cowardice. And yet, this potential can be stunted if we fail to hold the whole picture, both light and shadow, in ourselves and in others. Our inability to accept both aspects limits our growth, as does our reluctance to see others’ potential for change.

 
The paradoxes of human nature are intricate and often uncomfortable. But if we’re willing to explore them and understand what truly makes us tick, we open the possibility of new patterns, of moving forward with greater clarity and freedom. Embracing both our light and our dark, our capacity to grow and to falter, allows us to break out of the cycles that hold us back and step fully into the life we want to live.