Radical acceptance

In August, my husband and I officially became empty nesters as we moved our youngest daughter into her dorm for her freshman year of college. Like many other parents, we experienced a gamut of emotions. There was immense pride and joy in seeing our child, through her hard work and determination, achieve her goal of attending college. She is stepping into her independence and embracing the journey into adulthood.
Now, she must navigate her daily life, manage her time and finances, and make her own decisions. It’s bittersweet, shifting of our role as parents, to that of advisor and mentor. As we watch from a distance, we feel both trepidation and excitement. We are passing the reins of life to our daughter, allowing her to experience life on her own terms. We know she will face challenges and celebrate successes that she creates for herself.
 
Alongside these complex emotions, we faced another layer to navigate. This wasn't our first time passing the reins to our youngest. About 18 months prior, my husband and my parenting journey abruptly ended. She no longer wanted to be parented by us. She wanted her independence and wanted to make her own decisions, even though we felt she wasn’t ready for that responsibility. In essence, she declared her emancipation from us.
It was one of the many difficult decisions we have had to face in parenting her. After years of seeking resources to improve our relationship with her, things had escalated to her engaging in risky behaviors that jeopardized her well-being and affected those around her. Watching her make continual choices that put herself at risk was heartbreaking. The sadness, anger, resentment, fear, and hopelessness that my husband and I felt were indescribable.
When a parent reaches the point of discussing whether it's in the best interest of the family for their teenager to continue living at home, the situation has hit an impasse. It’s hard to articulate the emotions that arise when your child decides to reject the parenting and values you’ve instilled in them. As a mother, particularly as an adoptive parent, I grappled with deep feelings of guilt. I questioned myself constantly, wondering what I might have done wrong, what I could have done differently, and ultimately, how I could have been a better parent.
I felt a profound sense of grief and loss, knowing I hadn’t fulfilled my role as her mom in the ways I had envisioned. The lack of closure in our relationship weighed heavily on me.

In my last post, I wrote: “Navigating change—whether imposed upon us or self-chosen—requires a willingness to confront our emotions, release our attachments, and embrace the unknown. By giving ourselves space, patience, and self-compassion to identify the challenges we face and seeking ways to overcome them, we can transform our experiences into opportunities for growth and insight.”
This impasse in our relationship with our youngest was not how we imagined our parenting journey ending. Reconciling our expectations of parenthood with the reality of our situation has been difficult. Parenthood presents abundant opportunities to wrestle with what is truly within our control and what is not. Then when you consider how that might be impact the self-agency of your minor child, this creates a precarious emotional state filled with self-doubt and second-guessing, wondering if you are making the right decision.

​No one—experts included—can help you make those decisions. Ultimately, we must live with the decisions we make and their impact on everyone involved. Out of necessity for my own mental and emotional well-being, I adopted a daily practice of “radical acceptance.” This concept, rooted in Buddhism, involves recognizing and accepting my current feelings without judgment or evaluation, and letting go of the desire for things to be different.
As Marsha Linehan, the psychologist and creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), explains, radical acceptance does not mean lacking feelings or resigning oneself to a situation. Instead, it involves accepting reality as it is, understanding that the events causing pain have a cause, and recognizing that life can still be lived even amidst painful experiences.
 
It’s a daily practice to consider how I want to show up for myself, my daughter, and the rest of my family. At times, I felt trapped, believing there were countless reasons to feel that my sense of self-agency was dependent upon someone else’s choices. Yet, I still constantly remind myself that while I can’t control others or their decisions, I do have the power to choose who I want to be and how I will respond. Even amid challenging circumstances, I oversee my own destiny and the integrity of the person I aspire to be. Some days, it’s easier to embody this belief than others. I’m a work in progress.

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