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Changes

10/22/2024

**In homage to the title of this blog post, I’ve realized 22 days into my commitment to write 10 blog posts for October that I underestimated how long each post would take. Therefore, I’ll be adjusting my promise to complete the 10 blog posts by the end of November.**

How do we handle change when it’s thrust upon us, and how do we navigate it when we intentionally choose the change? In my experience, as both a person undergoing change and as a coach guiding others through it, I’ve observed that we commonly encounter certain emotional states. These states are not linear; rather, they form an iterative process where we may revisit them multiple times to gain deeper insights into ourselves and our circumstances.
One significant aspect of change is the element of grief. We often face disappointment when our life circumstances differ from our expectations and dreams. This gap between how we believe life should be and the reality we experience can be challenging. Another crucial state is the need to release our attachment to the familiar, allowing ourselves to step into the unknown. This process involves letting go of our sense of control over what we’ve known and accepting the present

Accepting our current reality is crucial for making a pivot. If we resist this acceptance, we can become paralyzed by our fears, resentment, and bitterness. This emotional turmoil can inhibit our ability to see possibilities and take the necessary steps forward. When change is thrust upon us or when we choose it, we must confront the discomfort of the unknown. Failing to address these feelings can lead us to feel stuck, bitter, or resistant to the lessons that change can offer.
In my personal journey, I’ve grappled with the dual elements of control and acceptance. It’s essential to recognize how we react to unmet expectations—whether we internalize regret, blame ourselves or others, or remain fixated on bitterness over our circumstances. Often, we may not realize we’re stuck until we find ourselves in that state. However, if we pay attention, we can sense when we’re grappling with the unknown, that can invoke fear and discomfort.

In conclusion, navigating change—whether it is imposed upon us or self-chosen—requires a willingness to confront our emotions, release our attachments, and embrace the unknown. By giving ourselves space, patience, and self-compassion to identify these challenges we face and seeking ways to overcome them, we can transform our experiences into opportunities for growth and insight.

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Paradox of life

10/11/2024

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The fall season is a great metaphor of change. The beautiful, vibrant, glorious changing of the season signaled by the colors of fall leaves. The display of yellow, orange, red leaves appear because the trees and plants are breaking down their green pigment(chlorophyll) which then reveals other colorful pigments. The shorter daylight hours and cooler temperatures stop the plant from producing chlorophyll. This change, cues to the trees and plants, that they need to get ready for winter dormancy. Nature instinctively goes through these cycles of life and death and rebirth: paradoxes of life.

When I find myself in these places of life transitions, as I did this summer, it’s an invitation for me to take a moment of pause, take a deep breath, and metabolize these changes. These life transitions remind me that we live in a multitude of paradoxes. The idea of both/and of living: joy/sorrow, giving/receiving, embracing/letting go, grace/accountability, and life/death. It’s hard to hold the paradoxes of life and not allow myself to polarize what might feel like opposing emotions and thoughts. Simultaneously, holding the tension of two opposing ideas, causes great discomfort. Because of this great discomfort, I believe we are conditioned to focus either only on the positive or only on the negative and we do not handle the paradoxes of life well. How do we hold the tension of both/and, not only for ourselves but those who we are in relationship with individually and communities we are in? The paradoxes of life, enables us to experience the richness and fullness of life and can draw us together to support each other in our humanness.

As I think about my relationship with my mom for most of my life, I had no relationship with my mom. After my parents divorced, my siblings and my dad moved to the US( from South Korea) and from that point on, we were forbidden to have contact with her. My siblings and I reunited with our mom about 20 years ago. When we reunited, there was such an elation of finding her and being able to reconnect with her AND there was also immense sorrow of the time that had been lost and her absence. At the end of June, she suffered a stroke and her ability to coherently communicate verbally was impacted. For most of July, we were able to be in Daegu, South Korea to coordinate my mom’s long-term with extended family. We were able to visit her and support her through this frustrating transition, where her body and mind was adjusting to a new normal. So with her, we hold onto hope that she will recover some of her faculties to verbally communicate and be independently mobile and also having to let go and come to terms with a “new normal” that her life and our ability to connect with her will be different.
In these places of life changes, there’s also grief and loss. Letting go of the known, to allow ourselves to move into a new chapter. Oftentimes, it’s hard to let go of what has been familiar and predictable to embrace the unknown and uncomfortable. Our mom, who is a loving, tender-hearted, stubborn, funny, independent, and able-bodied person; now many of these qualities may be severely impacted. Again we find ourselves needing to release what we have known of her and embrace the new version of her.
Change is uncomfortable, scary, unpredictable. Change can also be exciting, helps us grow, and invigorates our lives. It’s an invitation for making a pivot to the possibilities: of a new chapter, reviving a different part of ourselves, and living with a different perspective that transforms how we live and experience life differently.
I’m unsure at the moment, what the paradox of change with my mom holds for me. And I do want to be open to experience, the both/and fully.

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Reviving Coaching Corner

10/2/2024

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It’s been a summer of chapters ending and new ones beginning. The summer began with my eldest graduating college. She is officially navigating adulthood. My youngest graduated high school and started her freshman year at college. Hands-on parenting chapter ends and empty-nesting begins. Most of July, my siblings and I were in Daegu, South Korea visiting my elderly mother. She suffered a stroke. We collaborated, with extended family, to establish her long-term care. It’s unclear of her prognosis. The relationship we’ve had with our mother ends and a different chapter of the relationship begins.

These life transitions can throw life off balance. To re-calibrate and center myself, I took the time to pause and reflect. I want to mark these pivotal stages of life. I want to harness the gifts of wisdom, integrate them into my life, and be transformed.

Throughout August, my colleague,Pamela Maxson, PhD, MCC shared her reflections and learnings on her 31 day countdown to retirement from Duke. I was inspired with her commitment to write every day and vulnerably sharing those lessons. I’m re-committing to my writing journey. I’m reviving my dream to write, re-awakening my Coaching Corner blog. On 05/22/2018 was the last written blog post. There’s been a lot of living, not much writing. So for October, I will commit to writing 10 blog posts.

I believe every life story is unique. I’m intrigued by how different and similar experiences of one’s life shapes who people are and yet to become. I’m a specialist of thriving in the “in-between”. The “in-between” are parts of my life where feelings of ambivalence, not just yes or no, but both exist. As a bi-cultural person, an Asian American woman, a parent of a biological & adoptive children, a former therapist and now a therapeutically informed coach, I straddle both/and existence. These are the intersections I will write from: to connect to myself and to connect with others.

I invite you to come along on this writing journey and connect with me.

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Changes

Paradox of life

Reviving Coaching Corner

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